We’re going to talk about the clowns, because let’s face it, 2016 has already been a bizarre year, & this particular aspect of it thus far takes the “WTF??” cake.
In case you haven’t heard, clowns have been spotted in various towns & cities throughout several states now. Now while this might not seem newsworthy, these are not your cheerful, horn-honking, happy-go-lucky clowns.
These are creepy clowns.
Based on original news reports (let’s just take a moment & let that soak in. Clowns are NEWS now, people. Whaaaa?), this trend started in North Carolina, where several people reported clowns staring from the edge of forests, & trying to lure small children into the woods with them.*
(*Now for those of you old enough to remember…. this is basically the start of It, a horror novel about a child-killing demonic clown. It was written by Stephen King & made into a TV movie that terrified us 80’s kids. Thanks, Steve.)
Since then, the clown craze has taken off, with reports of creepy clowns appearing in multiple states. Some stand in place, leering at people from the side of a road or in a park, and some give chase.
Here are a few reasons why I have rage issues towards the clowns.
What a waste of time.
As a fan of pranks, I can appreciate the time it takes to plan a decent one. But… THIS goes far beyond. It takes time to suit up as a clown, & even MORE time if you’re fully committed, with makeup instead of a mask. Who has enough time to not acquire the materials, assemble a costume, then waste.more.time. standing in a spot until you’re noticed??
As someone who has no time to herself, ever, ever, EVER, I say to the clowns- get a job. Or go to junior college. Do something with your life like the rest of us, & you won’t have any energy to chase people or to even blow up a damn balloon. Stop wasting your time scaring the crap out of people, & stop wasting MY time in having to explain to my kids why you’re an adult that’s preoccupied with face paint.
Clowns were already SCARY ENOUGH.
As an 80’s kid, I did see clowns perform live in Ringling Bros. circus– they didn’t make much of an impression. There was a clown that DID make an impression, or rather, scarred me for life.
If you were an 80’s kid like me, you saw Poltergeist, & you quickly learned that clowns were NOT to be trusted. In fact, you learned that clowns stalked you in your own bedroom, & waited until you were almost asleep before hiding under your bed to try & choke you.
Thanks, Spielberg! And thanks, creepy clowns, for reminding me of this cinematic trauma. Bastards.
Clip Courtesy of www.youtube.com
This is why we can’t have nice things.
Now granted, I’m clearly not a fan of clowns, but people who either legitimately work as clowns or perform as clowns for fun (which is… weird…. but live your life…) now can’t even grab a cab on the way to work without terrifying bystanders. Now decent, honest clowns will forever be tainted by the poor choices of their crappy psycho counterparts, most of who were likely waitlisted at Clown College. And forget about a kid ever wanting to dress up as a clown for Halloween. Or McDonald’s, because clown.
Chase, & I’ll cut you.
As a writer, my imagination often runs wild… so I pondered what I’d do if I was faced with a creeper clown. Likely run, but– I may have, briefly —debated stashing a knife ( a big ole’ kitchen butcher knife) in my bag.
It’d be a great prop to scare a clown into running away. Or if I was attacked, I could get stabby. (Unless I’m facing a bath salt clown, in which case I’m better running since they don’t feel pain & will try to gnaw my face off. )
In reality though, I’m far less likely to run into a clown than I’d be to slice off a finger on that blade while groping in my bag for my keys, so, see??? Having to even THINK about this not only propels me to violence, but is a waste.of.my.time. (see above).
They’re terrifying kids.
On a serious note, this is by far the worst byproduct of this craze. In my day, we only worried about the infamous white van that might try to kidnap us, or needles in our Halloween candy. Kids these days have way more scary issues to worry about– school shootings, bullying, terrorism, suicides, etc. Now, by default, clowns have been added to the mix. CLOWNS.
I still can’t quite believe that I had to sit my kids down & discuss the actual facts of these creepy clowns to begin with. But with fear comes rumors, & as the clown sighting details become distorted, the stories in school get scarier & gorier, which is utterly terrifying to children. The fact that adults are frightening kids for their own sick amusement enrages me most of all.
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We can only hope that this craze will soon wear itself out, & all of the creepy clown idiots will finally pack all of themselves into a teeny tiny car & steer right on out of our neighborhoods.
© Copyright 2016 Six Pack Mom, All rights Reserved. Written For: Six Pack Mom