Let’s Not Be Catty

 November 23, 2013

Memo From Management to Fellow Management & Employees:

 re: Company Feline Protocol

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 We are writing in order to update you regarding our new policy concerning the company’s feline entity, who shall for the purpose of this memo be referred to simply as “the cat”. A formal complaint has been lodged by “the cat” against lower level employees regarding the consistent lack of maintenance and productivity on “the cat’s” behalf. In investigating these claims, management has also observed numerous infractions against company protocol.

Harassment in the workplace: “The cat” has alleged that on several occasions, she was aggressively accosted by employees. She claims that she has been harassed numerous times, including, but not limited to, having her tail grabbed in an inappropriate manner. Let it be known that she is contemplating filing a harassment suit against the alleged “grabber”, who shall remain nameless.

 “The cat” also alleges that she was stalked by a vacuum cleaner operator. The accused individual has been transferred to another chore department until the claim is fully investigated. Said individual’s salary has also been docked pending the outcome of the investigation.

Safety in the workplace is of paramount importance. We strive to ensure the safety & well-being of all employees.

Cleanliness/Hygiene: Management has observed that the company’s normally impeccable standards in these areas has been consistently sub-par within “the cat’s” department. Upon examination of this arena, management has determined that employees are not adhering to our company’s policies pertaining to the maintenance of company property, particularly restroom facilities.

 Please note that although management has provided employees with the appropriate equipment needed to perform the task of restroom sanitation, employees have neglected to utilize said materials in an organized and timely manner. As a result, “the cat” has indicated to management that if restroom facilities are not maintained in a sanitary fashion, she will be forced to resort to other locations better suited to her elimination needs, a.k.a. “the floor.”

 

Food/Cafeteria Usage:  In has always been management’s policy to provide a comfortable atmosphere in which employees may enjoy their breaks and meals. Thus said, management has also been informed by “the cat” that the cafeteria sanitation is also lacking, rendering her mealtime an (verbatim) “unpleasant and rather disgusting experience.” Due to the negligence of fellow employees, “the cat” has complained of being relegated to eating  stale food items.

 Please note: Management’s provision of a water cooler area is a privilege, not a right. “The cat” has filed a formal complaint with management requesting that her water supply be restricted to herself ONLY; food and drink items should be enclosed in separate containers at all times.

“The cat” has also indicated to management that on several occasions, her meals were either vandalized or actually consumed by her fellow employees. This is UNACCEPTABLE.

Please note that any employees that are found to be guilty of the tampering or consumption of “the cat’s” food items will be subject to disciplinary action, a.k.a. “Time Out”, as per the guidelines in Section 1.5 of the employee handbook. 

Management hopes that by bringing the above issues to the attention of our employees, we can strive to develop a more cohesive work environment that is well suited to ALL employees. In the future, we ask that you please respect the various company procedures and protocols in order to avoid future disciplinary action. Employees tat fail to do so will be reprimanded accordingly, either through salary reduction or additional work responsibilities.

Sincerely,

 Management

cc: “the cat”

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