I Won’t Buy The $3 Shirt, But A $4 “Bono” Guinea Pig Portrait? TAKE ALL MY MONEY.

I’ve always been the finance manager in our family, which is ironic considering that as an English major/words person, numbers have never really been my forte. But through the leaner years, I’ve scrimped, saved, & budgeted to keep our oft-frayed ends meeting.

I suspect that it’s a mom-martyr thing, but I rarely buy anything for myself.  My default stance is to provide for the rest of my family first, and I often talk myself out of buying items specifically for me.

Well, almost always.

Friends, I’m about to introduce you to the hypocrisy that is me in terms of my financial priorities… apparently.

(But in fairness, #2 is also to blame on this one. And maybe U2’s Bono and his snazzy pink shades.)

I’m good about spending money, in that I generally don’t spend it. I tend to hem & haw over prices… most of the time, anyway.

But I clearly have a quirk, so there are some odd exceptions, like:

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza b/c I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) November 26, 2018

Or like THIS:

Me: "We need to cut back on unnecessary spending & tighten our budget."

Also Me: "A mini gnome village for $14.99? I NEED this in my life!"

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 3, 2017

When it comes to spending money on MYSELF, it rarely ever happens. I won’t buy what’s needed if it’s for ME, but will buy what my husband/kids need without a qualm.

Recently, I not only wanted to spend $3.99 on the greatest wall hanging ever, but NEEDED to.

And did, dammit.

And it’s GLORIOUS. Hideously glorious.

(Shoutout to Saver’s, a popular thrift store in our area, for gracing us with the gift that keeps on giving. And giving. )

#2 and I were at Saver’s scoping for a specific style of vintage jeans. As she browsed, I was browsing shirts for myself; there was a cute Friends-themed T-shirt featuring the “Central Perk” logo.

It was $2.99. It should have been a no-brainer; I like the shirt, so buy the shirt, right?

Nope. Instead, there was an intense internal debate: Do I really need this shirt? When would I actually wear it? It looks like it would fit #2 better- should I buy it for her?

So I picked the shirt off the rack & headed over to #2:

“Would you wear this shirt?”

“Sure, but you should get it for yourself, Ma. It’s cute.”

“But if I bought it for you, would you wear it? Do you want it?”

“Uhhh. sure?”

While my brain can’t justify spending $2.99 on clothing for myself, its apparently cool with spending it on my daughter, so all was well. We took the jeans & the shirt & headed to the checkout to pay.

And that’s when we set eyes upon it.

It was a canvas portrait, propped on the floor with other miscellaneous wall decor.

Now I say “portrait” in the sense that it DID depict a person… who was not so much a human person as he was a… guinea pig? Maybe?

But if you think this was your run-of-the-mill guinea pig portrait that had #2 & I transfixed, you’d better think again, my friends.

He had facial hair. Not the standard guinea pig-issue fur, but hipster scruff.

He sported a fine head of hair that was slickly combed back.

He was wearing a artfully distressed denim jacket.

The jacket was eclipsed in its coolness by his wraparound pink tinted shades…

…all set against a bright purple background. Because of course.

It was HIDEOUS. And odd. Ugly. Confusing. Disconcerting, even, yet in an oddly charming way.

And the entire time that #2 & I were at the counter, we had so.many.questions.

What IS this monstrosity? Why does it exist?? Who created this, and who once owned it before deciding to grace another family with it via Savers??

I bet you’re thinking we picked it up right then & there & bought it. Nay nay, my friends.

We cackled, ridiculed its absurdity, scoffed at its $3.99 price tag, & left the store.

Our drive home was quiet… and I knew why. Because #2 and I have the same sophomoric sense of humor. I knew exactly what she thinking, because it was exactly what I was thinking.

We HAD to go back and buy that hideous, awful, bizarre portrait.

So me, the very same woman who couldn’t justify spending $2.99 on a T-shirt for herself, drove right back to Saver’s, peeled a $5 dollar bill out of my wallet, & handed it to #2 with the words:

“We need to buy it, NOW. And hang it up on the wall at home without saying anything to anyone. Let them just stumble upon it, and it’ll be HILARIOUS.”

And that’s exactly what we did.

We smuggled it in, crying in laughter over the stupidity of it all, & gave it a place of honor- right at the top of the girls’ staircase:

Family reactions were what we’d hoped: confusion. Disgust. Long, perplexed stares. Laughter.

Even my husband, typically the straight man to my weirdness, got into it. At first pause, he was genuinely concerned, in a “why is this….here?” kind of way, but after hearing the story, this was HIS response:

“Hey! Maybe we should hang it in the living room, & tell people #2 painted it, & ask them what they think; that would be amusingly awkward, don’t you think?”

It may have been $3.99, but it’s garish comedic value? PRICELESS.

I still don’t know why I can convince my brain that a $2.99 shirt is excessive but a $3.99 grotesque Bono-looking guinea pig is ESSENTIAL, but I can tell you that at least I scored an awesome deal on it.

These pics are a thing, peeps; they’re sold online for $32.99. So your girl got a sweet deal on a portrait that one day may be a bonafide Bono-tribute collector’s item.

(In our house, at least….)