Mr. Roboto Now Creeps Around My Grocery Store

I have basic routines throughout my week, one of which is to shop at the same damn grocery store every.single.week. In fact, I find myself there what feels like every.single.day., because no matter how carefully we plan, we forget to buy something that requires a trip back.

Until last week. Maybe I need to find a new grocery store, because my old reliable is FREAKING ME OUT.

It started about three weeks ago. My husband had taken the little kids with him on some errands, one of which included a visit to Stop & Shop for a few things. It wasn’t our neighborhood Stop & Shop, which is key.

The kids spilled into the house; #6 was bursting with excitement to tell me that he had met a robot while in the store.

Huh?

“Seriously, Mom! He’s got eyes, and he moves, and his name is Marty.”

My husband confirmed the story (always get confirmation when a kid under eight tells you outlandish tales- with #6’s reputation, he could have been talking about a potato. Or just plain lying). He said that the Stop & Shop now has a robot that glides around the store.

Me: “But…. WHY????”

Apparently the robot is engineered to detect hazards on the floor, such as spills, objects, etc. Supposedly.

Ok, call me old-fashioned. But I don’t see why a grocery store needs complex engineering in order to alert people to spills. In fact, I’m pretty sure they already had that covered with this bit of clever design:

Photo Credit: SafetySign.com

But since humans apparently can’t handle the task of detecting spills, a robot has been outsourced to do it.

I found this news unsettling, since I’m not a fan of robots. I’m not sure why, because my only exposure to robots in my youth was Number Five from the movie Short Circuit, and he was actually pretty cute:

Photo Credit: IMDB

But maybe it’s the idea of a robot evolving into something autonomous? In the movie, for example, an electrical mishap jolts Number Five to life. He becomes capable of making his own decisions.

“Number Five… Is Alive!”

It’s one thing for a grocery store chain to create a robot that mindlessly drifts around the store, programmed solely to detect spills. And it’s all well & good until it somehow becomes able to make it’s own decisions, right??

Maybe I just have a deep-seated distrust of all things electronic?

Siri just spontaneously asked “What can I help you find?” on without being asked.

I’ve seen Terminator; I know where this is going.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 2, 2017

But regardless, no worries for me- husband & kids had been at a different Stop & Shop. There would be no bumping into Marty at MY store, right?

(You know where this is going.)

Cut to this week; I’m doing my usual shop.

And then it happened.

MARTY.

In. My. STORE.

Me:

Photo Credit: giphy.com

There he was, in all his mechanical glory. One minute you’re mentally debating which flavors of yogurt to buy, & then you turn around to see THIS:

What is this black magic??

He powers up in a corner of the store; at least until he somehow self-actualizes, declares himself alive, & annihilates all mankind. Or programs fellow robots to act like the Three Stooges.

(Like I said, my limited robot experience is The Terminator and Short Circuit, so this could go either way, apparently.)

I was in the seltzer aisle -you know it’s my jam- and then turned around to THIS:

He stopped because he was reporting a hazard… was I the hazard? Again, I’ve seen The Terminator; I know where this is going.

But, nope. Marty repeated his message until an employee arrived- only to see that there was in fact no hazard.

You had one job, Marty. One job!

It’s creepy. They claim he’s there for spills, but eventually he’ll stop me in the dairy aisle to remind me that it’s been four days since I bought milk, & to ask me if I’m getting enough sleep because I look tired today.

(And you know those blue lights are just eyes in the back of his creepy robot head.)

But my family is now obsessed with Marty. Food shopping has become an adventure, because everyone wants to creep on the creeper.

Some of them are more comfortable with him than others….

While Marty has ignited my kids’ enthusiasm for going to the grocery store, I’m not feeling it. Now instead of stealthily avoiding any interaction with fellow adults while I grocery shop, I’ve got to outwit the robotic dude, too.